


Pride Is Not The Word I'm Looking For

by DoctorFitzy (KittooningMalijah)



Series: photographer au [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: And I'm not sorry, Angst, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Leo Fitz is Holden Radcliffe's Son, Leo Fitz-centric, Photographer AU, and then it turned into an 8k monster, i got really emotional like 1k in, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 11:56:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10411620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittooningMalijah/pseuds/DoctorFitzy
Summary: If he wasn't a brilliant scientist, a master painter, or an expert dancer, then what could he really bring to the table when it came to his family?





	

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: "You got your prom date pregnant?" + Fitzsimmons

          Leo pulled the chair at the table out so that his friend could sit down, pointedly ignoring the conversation going on between her and his father while he had the chance. It was completely normal for them to talk about science and work whenever she was over, but that was when the conversation was entirely _professional_. The trouble that came from Jemma being close with his parents was that the topics didn't stay professional and started leaking over into personal stories. Sometimes, those stories involved him and a few of the more embarrassing details of his childhood, but this particular instance was different.

          "Wait, wait, let me get this right - you got your prom date pregnant?"

          "It sounds so _dirty_ when you say it like that. I never said it was on _prom night_." On a normal day, having a plate of chicken and rice set in front of his place at the table wouldn't seem like a death sentence, but when the topic of conversation just so happened to include the _fun_ story of the night he was conceived, he would much rather hear the great Holden Radcliffe go on about whatever his latest discovery was. And that was a topic that used to make him squirm. "Because it wasn't - it was over four years after that."

          Without making any comment of his own, Leo used his fork to stab at a piece of chicken and find an excuse to stay silent. If his mouth was full of food, he couldn't be scolded for not speaking, because then he would have run the risk of speaking with his mouth full. It was a foolproof plan - at least, until he got scolded anyway, his mother's Australian accent cutting through the very British awkward conversation going on around them. "Leopold Holden Alexander, you know by now that you're not to start eating until your sister is sitting at the table, as well. Now, put your fork down."

          He let out a groan and finished the bite in his mouth before lowering his fork to the table with a pout. All he was trying to do was avoid an extremely awkward conversation, and it wasn't exactly working out for him. " _Mum,_ I filed all the paperwork _years_  ago - I only have one middle name now, remember? It's just Leopold Alexander now."

          It had been almost a decade since he'd been at that point in his life when all he'd wanted was to hide away from the family legacy he was expected to carry on. His father was a brilliant scientist, and while the younger Scotsman had always _wanted_  to follow in those footsteps, but he wasn't capable of it, not with how slow his brain was sometimes. Following up the discovery for a cure to a deadly disease wasn't exactly easy when his hands still shook, and words didn't flow like they were supposed to. Even after nearly twenty years, his brain was still damaged, was still struggling, was still obsolete. He didn't have a part in his family unit anymore.

          Holden was a world famous scientist and would likely be known for centuries - his work would probably be taught in schools, used as examples and starting points for other studies. Curing brain cancer was kind of a big deal, and he acknowledged that, but he'd still never be able to live up to it. Because of those discoveries, he had a wife, Agnes, who painted masterpieces that sold for over a thousand dollars on a bad day and drew pictures for strangers in the park on weekends. Looking at his parents, he knew he'd never be able to be as accomplished as them, so he never even tried. Even his younger sister was more of a success than he was. By the time she was six years old, Freya had been accepted into one of the most prestigious dance programs in the country. She was basically on the fast track for whatever performance career she wanted, provided she took care of herself and didn't get injured in a way that would affect her dancing.

          Leo, on the other hand...

          He'd filed the paperwork to have his name legally changed two days after his eighteenth birthday, as soon as he had the ability to do so. His sister had been barely five years old at the time, and a part of him would always hate the fact that he'd cut himself off from his entire family for so long, but there had been a part of him, back then and sitting at the dinner table again over a decade later, that knew it was the best thing he could have done for himself. It wasn't that he hated his family, it was just the opposite - growing up, he'd loved running around and helping his father with little things in the lab, or sitting and drawing at the park with his mother, and even later on in life, after Freya had come along, he'd tried to make time to watch his sister practice. But, despite how much he adored them, how much he liked his life, he'd been sixteen when Holden had found a way other than an impossible surgical procedure to control and even shrink a malignant tumor, and while that was immensely impressive and had literally saved lives, it wasn't exactly great for the self-esteem of a teenager who was failing a basic biology course.

          If anything, the advancement had been the tipping point that made him made the decisions he did. While he'd been given the name _Leopold Holden Alexander Radcliffe_  at birth, it didn't quite sit right with him, it didn't seem like a good fit. So he'd dropped the two names he knew he'd never be able to live up to, and tried to build a life of his own away from all the crazy expectations that came from having a famous name. For almost eleven years, his full name had legally been _Leopold Alexander Fitz,_ but it seemed like it still wasn't catching on, no matter how many subtle or obvious reminders he voiced.

          "Your sister will be home from practice any minute, and then we can all eat dinner - the rules haven't changed since the last time you were here, no matter how long ago that was."

          "Mum, I was here _last weekend_. Jemma and I drove Freya home from school on Friday so we could all go out to a fancy dinner for her birthday. I didn't think there had been any major changes to the rules since then." He shook his head with a softer expression, relaxing as much as he could in his seat despite how much he really just wanted to _eat_  and then go back to his own apartment to get some sleep. Regardless of however he spent his time when he was _in_ New York, he did have a job that he had to do that didn't involve catering to the needs of his family. His thought process was harsh, maybe, but since when did he owe them anything? He'd made a name for himself, literally, far away from them, and only ever visited home because he wasn't cold enough to stop caring, and he was perfectly content to keep living the life he'd made without the influence of anyone knowing who he was, or the expectations he'd gotten far away from. The only reason he even based himself so close to them was because of his newest friend.

          Jemma was his first assignment with Shield Photography and one of the only three people to know the truth about why he'd chosen to change his name and move to a different country as soon as he had the chance, and had very quickly become a close friend when he was all but forced to move back to New York by more than one person in his life. He was thankful for his job and for the people it brought into his life, but he was less thrilled about having to spend so much time with his family again - not that the pretty English girl he got to spend his afternoons with let him avoid that responsibility. It was exhausting, being the good son, the good brother, the good friend... he could barely handle one at a time, let alone being all three every Friday night whenever his job didn't require him to be out of town. He'd grown up practically living with Daisy and he hasn't seen her in over a month if his behavior at the weekly dinners wasn't enough evidence that he'd been failing at every part of his life, and _they worked in the same building_.

          "You know how he gets, Agnes; let the boy eat, it's not hurting anyone."

          If it was just the statement itself, he wouldn't have minded it, would have even been thankful for the defense, but that kind of tone always put him on edge. Leo had gotten used to hearing it over the years and had even escaped it by moving back to Scotland for a while, but as soon as he'd reentered their lives, it was practically all he heard whenever he visited. It was the hint of pity, the condescending undertones, the quiet reminder that he was still subpar, still broken, still not as good as he needed to be to live up to the family name. No, if he had a few bites before his sister got home from her dance practice, it wouldn't hurt anyone, but it would be even more of a reminder than his father's tone was. They didn't mean any harm, he knew that, but his family still affected him - they still had table manners for the numerous dinner parties they went to, still used careful structure to keep their lives in place, still excused him from having to conform to their reality because his brain wasn't quite right. It shouldn't be a problem, not with his father's line of work, but there was a difference between a tumor and oxygen-starved cells, and only one of those was even remotely controllable.

          He may have tried to involve himself in their lives again, because they were still his family, no matter what happened, but he didn't belong there. It was why he'd removed himself in the first place, why he'd cut himself off from everyone he cared about no matter how much it hurt him. Now, it was obvious that he should never have tried to fix things. Without letting himself hesitate, Leo got to his feet slowly and pushed his chair back in, keeping his face expertly blank. Acting like he was okay was instinct for him, and it had been since he was eleven years old, and he was going to use that to his advantage. "I fly out in the morning for my next assignment. I think I'm just going to get some sleep while I can. It might involve flying out to Los Angeles later this week, so I don't know about next Friday - I'll call and keep you updated."

          They tried to stop him, of course, but no matter what they said, he didn't even register the words. All he wanted was to get some time to himself, to clear his head before he had to completely focus on work for a few days, and he couldn't do that if he was surrounded by a life he couldn't fully commit to. He could never go to another dinner party, not with the manners he'd never really learned and his new identity. No one at their level would ever respect him. In their world, he wasn't some elite anymore - he was just the man behind a camera who was there to capture their shining moments or their fake good side and then disappear. Not that he'd ever really been a part of that world when he took the time to think about it. His incident had happened years before he would have been able to really participate in the important conversations; he'd been excluded before it ever mattered.

          By the time Jemma caught up with him, he was sitting in the elevator, not that it had left the penthouse floor. She had to pull him to his feet just to get him to acknowledge her presence, and even when he was in a state like this, he knew that the look in her eyes meant that she was worrying over him. He hated when she worried, especially when she could have stayed and had a pleasant conversation about science or even his parents' romantic history, those were things she enjoyed. That was their main difference. Leo was happy to hide away with his thoughts and his camera, away from all the spotlight that his family attracted the attention of, and no one really cared what he did. He was just the broken son of a brilliant man. Jemma, on the other hand, was both the child of a genius and a genius herself - she could stand in the spotlight and people would actually care about the choices she made. She was in front of the camera instead of behind it and had all the connections and manners and poise of someone who had been exposed to high society her entire life.

          But those differences didn't mean her hugs were any less welcome, or that he was going to completely shut her out like he did with everyone else. If anything, the fact that she knew what kind of pressure he was under just being in that building for a few hours every week. He might not have full ballrooms of people that he had to perform for, but that would almost be easier. Instead, he was struggling to impress his _family,_ people who could see right through any act he put on, and that meant trying twice as hard and ending up exhausted and, on a few occasions, just leaving instead of actually going through with the usual plan.

          He was still deflated when she pulled back, putting her hands on his shoulders and making him meet her gaze. "You're stressed out about this new assignment, you're pushing yourself just to be here tonight - you should be resting before you have to work, not making things worse by exhausting yourself further. Which _I told you_  before you even came to pick me up tonight, but you never listen to me."

          "I don't listen to anyone, you know that..." A faint smile had started to tug at the corners of his lips while she pulled at and adjusted his jacket on his shoulders. "But I also know how this world works - my job isn't top priority on Friday nights, family dinners are. I made a commitment and I have to follow through and I knew that going in. Is it bad that I kind of hope this assignment runs long so I don't have to worry about next week?"

          She was just starting to shake her head in response to his question when the elevator started moving. Neither of them had pressed the button, which meant he had to pull himself together for when the doors slid open and he'd have to face a stranger, even if the interaction would definitely be a short one. Instead of actually saying anything, his English friend moved to stand beside him, taking his hand in hers for moral support in the moments before the elevator settled on the ground floor.

          The sight that they faced wasn't a bad one, and he actually smiled in the moments before he was tackled in a tight hug by a slightly smaller woman than the one standing beside him. " _Monkey_!" If just the sight of his sister was enough to lift his spirits, then it really wouldn't do any harm to stick around for a few extra minutes. Freya was just as much a part of high society as their parents were, but there was one key difference that made her easier to tolerate - she didn't know him before. She was born almost two years after his incident, which meant she'd never known the kid who only ever wanted to follow in their father's footsteps, who used to read big physics textbooks for fun, who could sketch without having to start over two or more times because he was shaking so much. The only version of him that she knew was the supportive brother who took pictures at every recital and could _usually_  get a sentence out on his first try if he worked at it enough.

          His sister was the only person in his family that didn't have that pitying look in her eyes when he stumbled over his words or dove into a task without thinking about it or forgot some silly little detail like which fork to use or what title someone preferred. She actually looked at him like he was a person who made mistakes, not just some charity case that had to be watched over and taken care of because he couldn't do it himself. "Hey, you wee devil. How was dance? Are you almost recital ready?"

          "I can tell you _everything_  at dinner."

          She seemed so excited, he almost didn't have the heart to tell her that couldn't be the plan. After how the night had been going, he doubted he'd even be allowed back into the penthouse the next week regardless of whether or not he was in town. "Actually... I have to get going. My flight leaves early tomorrow morning so we can start the shoot tomorrow afternoon. But... maybe I can call tomorrow night? You can tell me everything, then, and you don't have to worry about Mum or Da interrupting any of your stories." He squeezed his arms around her before making himself step back, willing himself to keep his smile in place so that his distress wasn't obvious, though he knew she was smart enough to see through him, anyway. "And I already arranged to get the weekend free for your recital, so don't go giving my ticket away to anyone else."

           He didn't try to hide that his sister was his favorite person in his family, not from anyone, but he didn't really get any blame for it - she was easy to like, always so happy and optimistic and full of energy. She was his favorite person in the world and a very big part of the reason he'd left Scotland again at all. "Don't worry about it. Just let me know when you're back in town, okay? We can meet up for lunch or something, you can trade me a burger and fries for your recital ticket- just, don't tell dad I'm starting to get tired of his fancy salads."

          Leo shook his head, his smile much more genuine almost immediately. He'd gone from having a rough mood to actually being happy, even if it was only temporary before he went back to his quiet life. There were too many things that needed to be done before he could actually leave in the morning, including most of his packing, and that stress might make things that much worse, but he was an adult who could handle his own problems and time constraints - though maybe he'd make one phone call before he actually went to bed, if it wasn't too late by the time he got everything done. "Don't worry about that; you know I'll keep all your secrets. He made your favorite tonight, at least. Have an extra roll for me, yeah?"

          "Of course." She stood on her toes to kiss his cheek with a smile of her own, reaching out to grab his arm so that she could speak again without having him walk through the lobby and leave before she got the chance. "And, whatever happened, don't leave again. We all hated having you gone - and if you miss my recital because you went back to Scotland instead of facing everyone, consider all future tickets nonexistent. Don't you dare leave me without my favorite photographer when we've already promised pictures to everyone. I want you here, Mum and Dad want you here, so... don't run and hide this time."

          Letting out a sigh, he gently pulled his arm away from her hold and let his smile start to slip. "I won't miss your show, I promise. But... this assignment will be finished by then and I haven't chosen anything to line up after that. I've been back for less than a year and I've already run out of things to talk about with them. Maybe I just need a break - give me a few months after that, and then we can try this again."

          That was all he could get out before he was pulled into another tight hug and he didn't hesitate to return it, holding onto his sister just as tightly as she was holding onto him. "Take care of yourself, at least. I don't think anyone would take it very well if you went and got yourself hurt on this next _break_  of yours. Something tells me Dad will do that thing where he tries to fix everything with science and we still get more than enough attention from his _last_  amazing breakthrough."

          He could have responded if not for the distracting hand on his shoulder. In all the stress and conversation, he'd almost forgotten that Jemma was still there - and that was something he would definitely apologize for later. "I'll give you both a few minutes and get the car warmed up. Just meet me outside when you're ready to get going, okay? Just don't take too long or I'll take your car or leave without you." She got close enough to take his keys from his pocket and jingled them where he could see to make her point before turning to walk through the building's lobby.

          "Look at me and listen, Leopold, because I'm only going to say it once." His sister drew his attention toward her again, for once using his name instead of the nickname she'd been using almost her entire life - he was still fairly certain she didn't know he _had_ a name other than _Monkey_  for the first four years of her life. "You either stay in New York with your nice, cushy job or avoid magic rocks that teleport people. I've never been to Scotland but I know things get dangerous if you're not careful. If you're going to put yourself in any danger, at least get me some good pictures of the Loch Ness Monster or something, Prove it was worth it."

          Leo let out a laugh and leaned forward to kiss her forehead before moving to step away with a shake of his head. Some of her points were good, he'd give her that, but some of them were only good to serve as evidence for how much television she watched. "My life isn't a romantic drama. If that was the case, I would have three women fighting over me, or I'd be fighting with three other men for the same woman - I'd say I could fight women for a man but we've all seen what happens in movies with any kind of decent representation; I would have died in act two for unnecessary drama. Now, you get upstairs before they realize something's up, and stop watching channels that Da has blocked, you don't need to be exposed to that much sexual content at your age."

          "Monkey, I'm sixteen now."

          "Yeah, that's exactly my point. Whether you like it or not, you're still my little sister and-"

          "Alright, alright, I'll stop watching so much _Outlander_ , but you'll never take _Game of Thrones_  away from me; too much of my popularity rides on weekly theories and discussions." Freya shook her head, standing on her toes to kiss his cheek again before stepping away with a softer expression. "Now, _you_ get out to your car before Jem drives off without you."

* * *

 

          Parked in front of Jemma's apartment, they both sat quietly for a few minutes, the radio so low that they might as well have just turned it off. They'd both hardly said a word during the entire drive, and while that wasn't necessarily abnormal after a long night of dinner and conversation, it was different when they'd stopped for fast food and were sitting and eating bad burgers in his car. It wasn't the first Friday they'd spent in that situation, hiding away together instead of actually sitting down to a nice home-cooked meal, but normally they chatted about something to keep his mind off of everything - once, they'd spent three hours just talking about movies they'd watched and rewatched over the years, most of the discussion focused on the pros and cons of Hollywood's apparent need to reboot everything that was once good and make it terrible. But, in this one particular instance, they didn't have anything much to say to each other.

          Leo had already made his decision, no matter what she wanted to say. He was going to stay in the country long enough for his next assignment and his sister's recital and then go back to Scotland just to put the distance between himself and his family again. There was no way he'd ever live up to their expectations, and he'd never be able to make them proud, so removing himself from the equation entirely was the best option he had. Maybe he could even start his own studio - yes, Shield was a great opportunity if he wanted to make a name for himself, but he'd left in the first place to avoid attention. Having his own photography business out of a major city would draw far less attention to him, and that was what he preferred.

          "I think you should talk to them before you make any major life choices. You haven't even adjusted to life in New York again yet, let alone having your family so close - and you heard Freya, they want you around. Get out of your head for a little while, at least."

          He knew she meant well, but it wasn't going to change his mind. Though, knowing that she was concerned was touching enough that he slouched in his seat while he spoke again. "Maybe they want me there, but that doesn't mean I actually fit in. I haven't been a part of that world since I was a teenager, and I don't know what I'm doing when I'm around them. I'm not some genius who can save lives with one breakthrough, and my hands still shake so much sometimes that I can't hold a pencil to draw, and I never even learned how to waltz. I can't be that rich kid legacy anymore, and they have Freya for that, anyway. I'm just the... the broken, almost-good-enough son who hid when he was scared, and now I don't have a place anymore."

          The fry he put in his mouth immediately after he finished speaking was cold and too salty, just as he expected it to be, and he instinctively leaned into Jemma's touch when he felt her fingers in his hair. They'd only known each other for a few months, but with how little he saw the rest of the people he knew in the area, she became a close friend rather quickly, and that meant knowing his weaknesses. "Regardless of what choices you've made over the years, they're still your _family_ , Leo. If you would _talk_ to them instead of running out every time your head got in the way of things..."

          "But _that's the problem_. Everything can be fixed _except_  for my head - I'm broken, damaged, completely useless to people... I have been since I was eleven, and that won't change just because I'm nearby. I love them, I do, but I can't try to make a place for myself here, not when everything I try turns out badly. I was better off in Scotland. I was out of the way and no one had to worry about me and it was easier for everyone." With a shake of his head, he frowned and pulled away from her hand, needing to keep his thoughts at least somewhat clear so that he wouldn't start spiraling. "Look... I'll call you when I land in Boston tomorrow, okay? I'll let you know how long this assignment will last, and fill you in on what I've been thinking about, and... maybe you can help me talk through this choice before I actually have to make it. I'm not leaving before Freya's recital, I know that much, she'd kill me if I did that..."

          With a sigh, Jemma leaned over and kissed the side of his head before settling into her seat again with a small frown. "Be careful, okay? And think about what I said - I think it would do you some good to actually talk things through instead of just assuming everyone has the same thought process you do. You know, I was talking to your father this afternoon, and-"

          " _Jemma_." Leo shook his head quickly, offering her a weak expression and trying to keep his words steady despite how much he really just wanted to _go home_  and rest before he had to get to the airport, not that it was even an option. "Look, I know you're trying to help, and I really do appreciate it, but this isn't something that can be fixed by a talk or some time. I don't have a place in New York; my place is in Glasgow - I can go back to my odd jobs there for a little while and wait to get back into the photography game until I'm settled in again. I'm trying to hard, here, I'll never be able to be what I've been trying to be. I... I'm still trying to be perfect, for them, and I can't do that. I won't ever be perfect, so I need to stop trying. I need to get some sleep before I have to leave in the morning, and we can always figure the details out over the next month."

          She was obviously reluctant, hesitating for a moment before getting out of the car with a soft sigh and leaving him to his thoughts.

* * *

 

          The assignment had lasted a little over a week, which gave Leo the perfect excuse to avoid Friday dinners - that and the assignments he made up so that he could hide in his own apartment while he was prepping for his sister's recital. He had almost a full month to get ready to face his family again, and that full month included three hours in a theater, watching the dancers on the stage and getting pictures at every angle so that he didn't miss any of the most important parts. He would get paid something, at least, by the families who bought the pictures off of him, and that would pay for his flight out of the country - it wasn't like he needed a round trip ticket like he did with most assignments. As soon as he'd returned from his trip to Massachusetts and California, the Scot had resigned from his position at Shield Photography and arranged with his landlord to break off his rental agreement without too much fuss. He was entirely ready to pick up and move again, and he was leaving as soon as the silly after party at his parents' place was over.

          His car, which Jemma had agreed to take care of for him in case he ever needed to come back to the States, was full of his luggage so that he could go straight to the airport as soon as he started to feel uncomfortable. Everything was taken care of and accounted for and he didn't have to worry about anything else until he landed and had to find a job that would help him pay rent. He wouldn't be as much of a burden to people anymore, and that was all he was really after.

          He had made his way upstairs as soon as he got to the penthouse, standing in the middle of the silent, private lab that he hadn't actually seen the inside of since years before he left the first time. Monumental discoveries had been made on the same surfaces he used to use as his own desk, doing pretend experiments and making silly little observations because he'd been trying to be _just like his father._ Things were so easy before his incident, and there was at least a full hour every day when he wished he could go back and change some aspect of that day so that it didn't happen, but he didn't have that luxury - it was why he was running away from every reminder that still existed from his life _before_ everything that had happened.

"I haven't seen you up here in quite a while."

          The familiar voice made him turn around quickly, dropping his gaze away from his father in the doorway with a weak frown. No one but Jemma knew what his plans were, and he knew that telling anyone else could cause a scene - and he could do that on his sister's big night; the truth would just have to wait until he had landed in another country and was far enough away that he wouldn't have to worry about the consequences of his choice. Which meant he couldn't rightfully look anyone in the eye, not when he only felt like he was lying every time he opened his mouth. That was the reason he'd tried to hide in the lab for a while in the first place. "It's quieter here. I kind of miss being able to hear myself think sometimes..."

          Holden's low chuckle broke through the quiet air a moment later and his footsteps echoed off the metal all around them while he walked over to stand in front of his son. "You know more than enough to help out in here if you ever feel the urge to stop for something other than dinner. I still have your favorite chair over at your old table. Even if it's not for science, it's still your spot."

          With a shake of his head, the young former photographer took a deep breath and made himself lift his gaze. Even if he did feel bad about not telling anyone about his plans, he knew it would be worse if he couldn't even have a conversation without the necessary polite eye contact - they could already see right through him, most of the time, and if he was showing every sign of nerves, it would only be that much more obvious that he was hiding something. "I haven't used that chair in almost twenty years, you have no reason to keep it around... And while you were saving lives, I was _failing_ biology. I wouldn't be of any use to you in here."

          "Then we can turn some of the space into a dark room... that's what they're called, right? You can do your photography thing, and I can do my science thing, and we're still in our... _our space._ " It was clear that he was struggling to come up with the best way to say things, and that it was taking time that they didn't necessarily have to waste when they were both grown men with lives to live, but the idea that he wanted to do something nice like that stirred up feelings that Leo wasn't used to experiencing. "We always did our best work when we were working together."

          _Those_  words were what made him scoff, shaking his head and moving so that he could step around his father and start for the door. He lasted longer than he thought he would, he'd give himself that, but all he really wanted to do anymore was get out of there so that he could lay low until his flight. "Says the man who cured a terrible disease when I was in school three miles away... I know I'm not capable of the things you are, I can't even _draw_ anymore. Everything that made me a part of this family is gone and I haven't had any of it since the day I fell into that damn pool..."

          "What-? _Leo._ " He was stopped by a hand on his arm, and he did actually stop walking even while he pulled away from the touch on instinct. They could try to fix things all they wanted, but too many things had already been set in motion, and he couldn't just turn around and undo the decision he'd made. "You can't honestly think we don't see you as a part of this family... Can you...? I mean, you have a different name, but that doesn't mean anything - a piece of paper can't change your blood, my boy..."

          Leo's breath caught in his throat while he took a step back and bit down on his tongue. The night wasn't supposed to involve a deep conversation about why he made the decisions he did. It was just supposed to be his last night in the country before he moved on and lived his life alone again - his family wasn't supposed to even know it was happening until he had time to settle into a new place again, but things really weren't going as planned. "No, of course, it can't, but _changing my name_ isn't what made me feel like an outcast. It was a _result_  of what I was feeling for _years._ Haven't you ever stopped to consider why I changed it the way I did? If I just wanted a new identity, I would have done more than just _drop_ half of it - people still know who I am if they care to look hard enough. I wasn't trying to escape the _attention_ ;I was trying to get away from the _pressure_! I get it, you're all doing great things, I'm not trying to stop you, but I'm the black sheep. I'm the only person in this family who hasn't accomplished anything great. I-I-I haven't _cured diseases_ , or _created a masterpiece_ , or made it through the final cut of auditions for some exclusive dance company...! All this family is, is _great_  and _accomplished_  and _important_ and I... I'm _not_... So... So, I'm going back to Glasgow, and this time... this time, I'm not going to come back... it didn't go so well for me last time I tried doing that..."

          Silence hung over them for a long moment, seeming to actually make the air ring with the awkward weight between them, but he really couldn't care less. It was out, and he couldn't take it back, and he didn't even want to. His decision had been made, and he'd gone over the details of it about a hundred times. He knew exactly what he'd chosen and exactly what he was giving up on.

          "Leopold..." The sound of his name, said so softly and carefully, like it was delicate enough to break, made him pause before he could back any closer to the door. He still wanted to run, wanted to get away before the discussion could turn into something worse, but it had been far too long since he'd actually felt like someone wanted him around. Even if it was just for a short conversation, at least that feeling was back, however fleeting. "What are you talking about...? You've done great things - you're _doing_ great things. You're not making leaps and bounds in science or mathematics, or winning dance trophies, or painting with your free time, but that doesn't matter. We aren't going to judge you by whether or not you can be a replica of us - if anything, as a parent, I can assure you, I don't want you to be anything like me. I've made mistakes, I've had shortcomings, I've failed many times in my own life, and that's the last thing I want for you. You can't do the same things we can, but what makes you think that makes us any better? You've tried to teach me how to use one of your fancy cameras more than once since you've been back in New York and I still can't make heads nor tails of the things, and not for lack of trying."

          "Da, stop..."

          "Stop what? Stop saying that you have your own accomplishments outside of what the rest of us have done? Absolutely not. I still have to go downtown for work sometimes, and everyone in the lab there tries to ask about what you've been up to - Cal Johnson even complimented your Ward family spread last week when I went in just to put in weekly updates." Leo shifted his weight from foot to foot uncomfortably, staring at the floor with a frown while attempting to block out most of what was being said - unsuccessfully, of course. He'd spent too much of his life thinking that he wasn't worth the name he'd been given, wasn't good at the things he set out to do, wasn't a part of anything greater than himself, and now there was someone trying to challenge all of what he thought he knew. It made him anxious just to stay in place. "You're perfectly capable of doing _whatever_  you put your mind to and you've _chosen_ to put it toward something as interesting as photographing people and telling their stories. It's... it's an _instant_ painting. That's what you're doing. You're instantly capturing a moment in a way that used to take weeks or months, and put it out there for the world to see. Those moments that you capture could potentially last _centuries_  longer than any human life could."

          Shaking his head, he crossed his arms in front of his chest and took another unsteady breath while keeping his gaze focused downwards, refusing to meet his father's eyes. If that was the case, then he wouldn't feel like he was just on the sidelines all the time, picking pieces of people's accomplishments to hold in his hands because he'd never have his own. That's what his job was - he was stealing away moments that could never be his, satisfaction that he could never have. "I know what you're trying to do, but my flight leaves in five hours... Even if I _wanted_ to stay, I don't have a job here anymore, or an apartment, or any prospects... I've already picked up the pieces of my life again."

          He could see how his father's shoulders sagged at the information, at the reminder that he could try to sway Leo all he wanted, but it didn't change the facts. The facts would always pile up into the same conclusion - he had to leave, had to put down the roots he'd already dug up for the third time in his life and let them _stay_  planted for once, even if it was far from where he wanted to be. "I have five hours to change your mind, then?"

          " _Da_..."

          "I don't back down from challenges, Leopold, you know that as well as anyone. Before you leave here tonight, you'll realize that those thoughts in your head are all misguided, I promise you that." It seemed more like a threat than a promise, to Leo himself, but he didn't dare say a word about it. He was aware that it wouldn't do him any good. Holden had devoted over a decade and a half of his life to saving the woman he loved, and the same look in his eyes back then was there again - he wouldn't be swayed, and he wouldn't back down, not for anything. "When you left, last time, you didn't even tell us. You just filed the paperwork and left the country as soon as you had your passport... Don't do that, this time. Even if you don't have your apartment right now, stay here for the night - I can give you a ride to the airport in the morning and you can catch a flight at a reasonable hour, instead of at some ungodly one. Or, better yet, _don't leave._ Your sister might actually kill a few people - myself included - if you just disappear and she finds out I knew anything about it. I'd rather not have that happen if you can maybe try to understand my reasoning for that.

          "The last few months have been the happiest I've ever seen her, and no one can get a word in edgewise whenever she starts talking about something you've done. _We want you here,_  Leo. We want you in our lives, not on the other side of the world. You're family to us, and you always will be, even if you have been outshining us lately. You should be at every night like this - all of the recitals, all of the art shows, all of the corporate dinners you've been missing out on. It would make up for all the times we bought up every magazine your photographs have been in. We're much too proud of you to leave anything on the shelf."

          He lifted his head slowly, clinging to the words as much as he could without showing any plain emotion on his face. For years, Leo had been running away because he couldn't be what they wanted, could do anything good enough to make them proud, and it took nearly running away again for anyone to point out that he'd already been doing everything he needed to do. It was unfair, and he ached at the realization, but he didn't try to fight the point that was being made - fighting would mean letting go of it, and this was a moment he wanted to cling to for the rest of his life. "No... I can't do things like that... I don't know which fork to use, or when to eat what, or how I'm supposed to act around people... it's a different world than the one I'm used to anymore, I haven't had anything to do with big money except for who I'm assigned or hired to photograph..."

          A scoff made him hesitantly start to shuffle forward, using his arms crossed over his chest to hug himself tightly and hide his shaking fingers. It was nerves, almost certainly, not that he could rule out the damage to his brain entirely when he still had symptoms and off days when he didn't take proper care of himself.

          "And you think _I_ know what I'm doing at these things? I came up here to hide out just as you have, and I really only watch your mother for what to do when I don't have this option. Truthfully, I don't think anyone downstairs knows what they're doing right now, either - even among our usual crowds, everyone's too different to really all do the same thing, and what good is small talk, anyway? Oh, it's snowing again, _welcome to New York City_ , it's always snowy or wet or cold or some combination of the three, I don't want to keep talking about that." Holden shook his head again, letting out a huff and starting for the door himself with a faintly hopeful expression. "I tried to turn your room into a home office, but I live with two women who wouldn't let me touch a thing, so it's just how you left it - and, yes, I am aware it's been nearly eleven years since you set foot in it, but your mother threatened violence if I so much as made the bed, and she kind of frightens me."

          Swallowing roughly, Leo took a deep breath and tried to manage a weak smile of his own while giving a careful nod of his head. He didn't necessarily think that sticking around was the best idea, but the more time he actually spent with his family, the less he wanted to run away. Scotland would always be there if he ever needed to escape for a week or two, but it wasn't really _home_.

          ' _Home_ ' was where he could put together pictures from his sister's recital into packets that her friends and their families had the opportunity to see for themselves. It was where he could sit in his corner of the upstairs lab and scribble notes from a safe distance while his father's experiments threatened to either burn the building to the ground or take on a life of their own. His home was found in that very moment when his doubt was taken away and destroyed by pride, and he didn't want to change any piece of it or himself for anything in the world.


End file.
